What makes you feel shitty? Like, what makes you sit there and think to yourself "Wow I really wish that didn't just fucking happen"? I'm not gonna lie, these days it seems like anything sets me off, it could be something as little as misspelling a word while taking notes. However, this feeling I've been getting since uni started is something else, it's honestly a different monster, it has the power to turn the most amazing day ever, into an absolute shit show. I could tell you what the feeling is, but that would be a gross understatement. So let me paint a picture for you.
You apply for a job, it's the job that you've been dreaming of having since childhood, so naturally, your anxiety's going through the roof. You apply and wait patiently. Days, weeks, a month goes by, and still, no word. Until morning, while you're scrolling through your phone at 5 am, you get a notification from Gmail;
"Dear applicant,"
We are writing to you today with mixed news. We are regretfully unable to offer you the position you applied for this year. However, we are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted your second choice. We know that this news may be disappointing, as you had expressed a strong interest in said position However, we want to encourage you to continue pursuing your dream to contribute to the community, and we are confident that you will be successful in your future endeavors.
You finish reading the email and are completely dumbfounded. Your application met the exact criteria they were asking for, and even excelled in certain areas, not only do you have a passion for the job, but have been grinding for it for the past 3 years. You process what the fuck just happened and are immediately hit with 2 main realizations, The first being "Wow, I'm fucked" and the second being " Am I really THAT fucked?". So clearly feelings are extremely mixed on the situation. On one hand, you got rejected from the position you applied for, and your plans are completely derailed and now you have to think of a plan B. On the other, you're still in your dream feild, just not the position you wanted to be in. Most people would be disappointed (obviously) but would end up seeing the bright side of things. Yeahhh wellll, that aint you. You, my friend, are a pessimistic little shit that only knows how to look at things from a negative perspective, so naturally, you close the email, go to bed, and fall into a depression for the next 3 weeks (even though its summer and you're abroad with your family).
it's currently one night before the reply deadline, and if you miss this, you'll end up without that job at all. So you talk some sense into yourself and decide that you're gonna take up that offer and enroll for the second choice, So you walk into your dads' room and break the news to him. The first thing he says to you is "what?? why??" so you (who asked yourself the same question and had the exact same reaction) try to ease the situation up for him, and explain how it's the only option you have. Then you sit there and watch him and your mother argue over the situation, all the while all you can think to yourself is how much of a failure you are. After the noise fades and they come to a decision, your dad ends up reluctantly going with it and tells you to go ahead with the application process.
Did you get the feeling I was talking about earlier? if you think you did, congratulations!! you're wrong.
No, to understand what I've been feeling, we're gonna have to fast forward a few months, approximately 4 months. You are now in the middle of your first year at the job, and you've basically accepted that things are gonna be the way they are, Youve had the conversation about your position with others so many times that the next time someone asks you, you just wanna shrug your shoulders and give a half-assed answer. But you don't, because no matter how drained you are, you still care. Now you're by no means in a bad job, in fact, your job is still very important and similar to the one you wanted and you're gonna end up getting promoted to the position you originally applied for anyway, so you start to feel good about yourself.
Now, at work, you're surrounded by people who have your dream job, and you even become friends with some of them, they have longer hours and their job is more intensive and carry's a hell of a lot more weight than yours does, and you watch them struggle daily. Most people would be relieved that they ended up with the second choice, they'd feel like they dodged a bullet. Not you tho, you were prepared for this struggle, hell you wanted it. And even if you weren't, even if you were gonna end up on probation or fired from that position due to how bad your results were, At least you were given the chance to fail. But no, you weren't, so you have to sit there, day by day, and watch people live your dream life while you settle for plan B.
I bet you think you got the feeling I was trying to explain, id like to inform you you're wrong !!! you still didn't!!!!
So, you go about your day, you converse with your co-workers, and hear the stories they tell about their experiences at the job. They complain about the struggles and hardships they face, they even compare themselves to you and repeatedly tell you how easy you have it, that you should be "thankful" that you don't have to do what they're doing. They think they're making you feel better about your job, Little do they know, what they're doing is the biggest "fuck you" they could possibly dish out. But they don't know that. They clearly don't have malicious intent, I mean, after all, all they're doing is trying to comfort you. Though that's the polar opposite of what you want. You don't want comfort, you don't want to be told how much easier you have it, it's such a belittling and soul-crushing feeling, because remember, you didn't want this. You want what they have, you deserve what they have. but you didn't get it, all you got was to sit and listen as these ungrateful people openly complain about how much they're suffering from success. And all you can do is listen and try to be comforting and motivate them to keep pushing forward and get through this hell of a job. because that's what you would've wanted if you were in their place.
If you still haven't grasped the feeling I've been trying to convey, it's not envy, it's not aspiration, it's not resentment and it isn't pride, Simply put, it's a fucked up mix of all 4. I just want those who are more fortunate to be GRATEFUL for what they have, and maybe be more mindful of others' positions in life before they complain about their own.
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