Growing up, I had a bad case of childhood depression, it used to come and go between the age of 9-13. It had all the common symptoms, I would have really bad mood swings, constant feelings of impending doom, all my loved ones were gonna die and I was gonna be alone for the rest of my life, etc... You know, the usual stuff. But I also had this one symptom, that I'll never really grasp, I dreaded nighttime, and not in a "darn it, I have to go to bed" way, it was more like a "I wanna move to Alaska so the sun never sets and night never comes" kinda way.
It was like with every sunset came this feeling of doom and gloom that washed over me like a tidal wave, I just felt so sad. In the daytime, I was as happy as a kid could be, I would play outside, watch Cartoon Network, tinker with stuff, explore the neighborhood, and normal kid stuff, Then as soon as night came, I turned into this grumpy, gloomy kid and did everything and anything to distract himself from what I was feeling. My go-to methods of escapism were either; watching YouTube (Roman Atwood, Crazy Russian Hacker, KSI, DanTDM, Demolition Ranch) or playing on my iPod (Minecraft, Dragon City, Roblox). It was bad to the point where I couldn't fall asleep in my own bed I'd just cry all night, So my mom used to let me stay up till like 1-2 am watching YouTube until I eventually fell asleep, and on the nights that I was forced to go to bed early, I would either crawl into my older sisters bed or go into my parents' room and sleep with them.
As I grew older, the depression started to fade and things started to become clear, i still don't fully get why I felt what I felt, but looking back, I can somewhat understand where the feelings were coming from. You see, I didn't like nighttime because it meant the day was ending, it meant I would have to put all my distractions away and sit with my thoughts, no YouTube, no friends, no adventure time. Just me, my thoughts, 4 walls, and darkness. All I could feel was guilt, doom, stress, and anxiety. I hated it.
I'm now 18 and way past that phase in my life, yet I don't think any of those thoughts or feelings really went away, I think I just learned how to cope and accept them. I mean, if u think about it, not much has changed, I still heavily indulge in escapism, I still get feelings of impending doom, I still stay up till ungodly hours, and I still dread the feeling of a new day dawning. The only difference is, I now find comfort in these things. I know how wild it sounds, the things that would once depress me to my lowest point, now comfort me, why is that??? Well, kids, that's not a question I know how to answer, however, I think the main reason behind it, is the fact that it's so much harder to be sad if you're already constantly unhappy. And I don't mean sad, I just mean unhappy. I think I've just become jaded by it all, I've learned to accept the fact that it's fine to not be happy all the time, you're allowed to exist in "okayness". And you know what there's nothing wrong with that, the soundtrack to your life doesn't have to be "I Ain't Worried" by One Republic, it can just as much be "Night Rider" by Joji.
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