I Don't Want To Set The World On Fire

Or do i?

Its currently 2:37 am, I have 2 finals today (one of which is in 6 hours) and I'm sitting here typing this blog instead of studying. I should be panicking but honestly I'm so drained from studying that i couldn't care less. It's not that I'm a careless person, not at all, i actually think that sometimes i care too much, What you're witnessing here is my nihilistic side, which seems to always be amplified during exam season.

I guess its my way of coping with the extreme pressure that comes with exam season, the philosophy behind it is simple; who gives a shit if i completely bomb all my exams and disappoint myself, parents, friends, professors, sisters, cat, your mom, and basically everyone I've ever met ? Were all gonna end up dying aren't we? whether its by a thermonuclear explosion that wipes humanity off the face of the planet, or father time himself, we're cooked either way. It may not yield the best results, but it sure does a good job at relieving stress and anxiety. I simply think its way easier to let go and breathe once you realize, life has as much meaning as you give it. Think about it this way, one day you're gonna be on your deathbed, what do you think is gonna be going through your head during those moments? Now i cant say for sure, but it definitely isn't gonna be the fact that i failed an exam that one time during my first year of university.

I have a lot of pressure on me, all the time. Its mostly self inflicted, i've been told that im too hard on myself, which i honestly dont agree with, i think that sometimes im not hard enough. Like ive made countless stupid decisions, constantly partake in degenerative and counterproductive activities, procrastinate 24/7 and can never meet the expectations i set for myself. The rest of the pressure comes from my severe impostor syndrome, In short; I constantly feel like i dont deserve any praise and recognition i get. Ever since high school, ive been put on this pedestal which i dont think i should be, the biggest contributor being my dad, who seems to think im some sort of genius with a 4.0 GPA ( couldn't be further from the truth). I just dread the day he looks at me and realizes im not who he's built me up to be.

I also have trouble seeing meaning in life sometimes, which ties back to the whole nihilism thing. Whenever my life's going well i.e. Im doing well academically, my relationships are healthy, im content with my physical state, im in good contact with my friends, i feel like im on top of the world. Then i get a bad grade, or start to feel weaker in the gym, disappoint a friend/family member, fuck up a relationship, make a stupid decision, or let a loved one down, And all of a sudden i feel like my entire world is about to come crashing down, the walls start closing in and i life begins to lose all meaning, and i start to go deeper into depressive episodes and get careless with everything. The best way i can put it is; my highs are high but my lows, well if hell had a basement, they'd be right there.

I chose this photo because it reminds me of my favorite ink spots song, "I Don't Want To Set The World On Fire" while listening to this musical masterpiece, i had a thought. You can either set the world on fire, or be the reason someone tries to put it out. I find myself constantly switching between both. Half the time i just wanna light everything on fire and watch it burn, and the other half i find myself trying to fix everyone and everything around me. The biggest example of this is choosing trauma surgery as my future career, On one hand i'm benefiting the world by saving lives and helping people, and on the other, i'm gonna be working 24/7, leaving no time to foster my personal relationships, taking care of my mental and physical health, enjoy life or be happy. I know i could be blowing this all up in my head, Trauma surgery could end up being relatively easy i could be completely fine. However I'd be lying if i said i chose this career path for the money or for the status, i chose it because it allows me to make the world a better place while having the chance of making my own world a worse one.

"Your life doesn't have to be miserable you know" (said everyone and their mom), and you'd be completely right, but again, life has as much meaning as you give it, so give it as little meaning as possible, and you wont ever be disappointed with the outcome!!!!